No Matter What
by BTRDreams
Summary: James and Logan have a thing for each other,Carlos doesn't accept them the way they are and Kendall's being an ass.Will the four guys stick together at last? Or does James & Logan, staying true to who they are, break up their friendship? Read to find out!
1. Unconvincing Excuses

**NO MATTER WHAT**

**Unconvincing Excuses**

James Diamond was reading the 'Man Fashion' magazine on the couch, while Logan Mitchell sat at the kitchen table, doing his homework.

It was a warm and sunny afternoon, but it was quite windy so neither James nor Logan would be happy to sit outside. James because he wouldn't want his hair to get all messed up, Logan because he could imagine better things than chasing after his worksheets.

James was all concentrating on the article about the new Sneakers that Logan and he bought a few days ago to resell them to a shriek, but Logan damaged them completely, so they were still in the supply closet of apartment 2J.

'Ah shit!', Logan screamed suddenly. James startled and turned around, looking a bit surprised. 'What's wrong, bro?', he asked truly worried. Logan looked at him, holding the eye-part of his face, tearing up. 'Think I've got something in my eye!', he mumbled in pain.

'Wait, let me see!', James said approaching Logan quickly, who was standing up. James took Logan's face with one of his hands and pulled it up a bit. He was looking directly into Logan's beautiful, brown eyes. Logan's skin felt so warm and so soft and James blushed, realizing what he just thought. A tear of pain was gently running down Logan's cheek. James didn't hesitate a second, reached out and wiped it away with his thumb.

His look wandered back to Logan's eyes. Logan sighed. 'You feeling better now?', James whispered, being close to Logan's face. A bit too close as he suddenly realized, but for some reason he totally didn't mind, no, even enjoyed feeling Logan's warm breath near him.

He glared at Logan's lips. How soft they looked and how nice they shined, wetted by his tears. Suddenly James had this feeling, this feeling he couldn't explain, this feeling he couldn't resist. His hand was still placed on Logan's cheek and he found it difficult to keep himself from stroking it. Logan's and James eyes met, staring into each other. Their faces were so close, so close. James realized how good Logan smelled.

He couldn't help himself, when his look wandered down Logan's face again and stopped right at his lips one more time. How much he wanted to touch them, to feel them, to take them right in between his own. But still he couldn't. He couldn't fulfill his desire. It hurt. It hurt so bad, the fact that Logan probably didn't feel the same.

James startled. But what exactly was it that he, James himself, felt? He had never even dared to think about being so close to Logan before. Not in his wildest dreams.

His hand was still holding Logan's cheek. 'What is going on?', James asked himself.

All the sudden he took his hand away from Logan, blushed and looked to the ground, scared. Yes, this scared the hell out of him. Not knowing what he felt. What he felt for Logan, his best friend, his _male_ best friend.

He tried to clear his mind, keeping himself from telling Logan that he looked freaking damn sexy today.

He blushed even more, happy that Logan couldn't read minds.

Suddenly something happened, something he didn't expect at all. Logan took James' hand and put it back on his cheek.

Now James was even more confused than before. Logan's face was still close to his, so he could feel Logan's breath on his skin as he spoke: 'I have no idea what I'm doing… I know it might be wrong, but… If it's wrong, why does it feel so right?' Logan completed his question and made James shiver. And he was close to fainting when he saw Logan's face coming closer, Logan's lips coming closer.

He desired kissing him so much, that at the moment it felt like the most natural thing ever, being about to kiss his best friend. James felt Logan's hand on his waist, pulling him close. Both of James hands were placed on the back of Logan's head and his fingers kept running through his hair. Logan's nose was just a few centimeters away. He waited for his lips to reach Logan's. And finally, when James thought he couldn't stand it any longer, he felt the soft touch of Logan's lips on his.

The two boys pressed their lips together really hard and they held each other more than just close, so nobody would be able to separate them.

It stopped. The kiss was over, but James wasn't satisfied yet. Now that he knew how sweet it felt to kiss Logan, he wanted to repeat it. He wanted to repeat it over and over again, never letting it stop, never letting Logan go.

He looked right into the shiny eyes of the shorter boy, still standing close to him. He didn't know if Logan would be alright with that, but he simply couldn't resist. He pulled Logan into another kiss. And when he kissed him back, things got way more passionate.

Suddenly it wasn't a normal, shy kiss. Their lips let each other go, then embraced themselves again. Again and again. And suddenly James could feel Logan's wet and warm tongue, sliding inside of his mouth. Their tongues greeted each other and then went on to play, as if they would have never done anything different.

'Wow', James thought 'Logan is a really good kisser! And omg, his tongue tastes so good!'

He blushed again, but Logan didn't even notice – his eyes were closed and he was all concentrated on kissing James.

All the sudden James felt Logan's hand, going down his back, finding rest on his butt. Logan pulled him closer and suddenly James realized that this still wasn't enough. He wanted to feel Logan's hands all over his body, touching his naked skin. And he wanted to kiss Logan's naked body, every single inch of it. Wanted to be exploring it with his lips, with his tongue.

James couldn't stand it anymore, and before he could try to hold it back he moaned, moaned into Logan's opened mouth. It was his own fault, he shouldn't have imagined kissing naked Logan. He was afraid that Logan would scream at him, would scream something like: 'Dude, what the fuck!', but to James' surprise he didn't.

Logan didn't say anything. Instead he grabbed James' ass even tighter and moaned back. Now James' kisses wandered down Logan's neck and he felt like a little Vampire when he started to bite it carefully and to softly suck on Logan's skin. He heard the hard breathing of Logan and suddenly James felt something move in his own pants.

Wow, James hadn't even realized how bad Logan turned him on.

As if Logan knew what he was thinking he whispered into James ear: 'Stop! Stop it, or I think I might lose all the control over my body…!'

James shivered, feeling Logan's warm and heavy breath on his ear.

'Would that be wrong?', he whispered back seductively, making sure not to stop kissing Logan's neck for longer than a second.

Suddenly Logan got out of James arms and pushed him against the wall rather roughly.

'Hell, James Diamond you are so fucking hot!', he said, then kissed James fully on the lips again.

James didn't really want to admit it, but being kissed like that, all pushed against the wall, by the normally so shy Logan turned him on even more.

Now he couldn't control his body anymore and realized, half turned on, half shocked, that his hands reached under Logan's shirt. Logan moaned one more time, a bit louder now, running his fingers up and down James' body. And hell yeah, they ran down. Down his belly, down, down, down, down till they reached a place on James' body that almost caused him to faint.

Luckily he didn't, instead he moaned so loud that it almost was a scream.

He felt Logan's hot and wet lips all over his face and his neck and he felt Logan's hand softly stroking him down there.

James pulled Logan's butt so close to him, that his erection crashed into Logan's. Both of the boys moaned louder than ever before. Logan was just pulling up James' shirt, both of them still being pressed onto each other, making out like mad, when the door opened.

They startled and pushed each other apart, pulling down their shirts. They stared to the ground, hurrying to leave in different directions.

Luckily Kendall still had his back turned to them, so when he shut the door behind him and came inside the room, he didn't seem to notice that he had just interrupted Logan and James from whatever they were doing.

'Hey guys!', Kendall said happily, opened the fridge, got himself some soda and sat down on the couch. He opened the can, took a sip and then continued: 'So… What have you two been doing here?' Logan and James looked up, both of them blushing and having the word 'scared' written all across their forehead. 'What do you mean?', James asked shocked. Kendall looked confused and distrustful, then added: 'Uhm… I mean how did you guys spend your free time? Cuz I've been at Palmwoods Park with mah sweet girlfriend Jo.' He smiled, but still gave his friends a questioning look. 'Oh ehm… Nothing really…', James stuttered and Logan tried to make his voice sound normal when he added: 'Just played some games!... Uh, video games!' Obviously he failed with his hard trying to sound cool and as always. Kendall laughed and said: 'What the hell happened to you guys! You act like I've been interrupting you, doing something illegal! If one of you was a girl I would honestly consider I've walked on you, secretly making out or something!' He laughed really hard now and Logan and James joined him with a nervous kind of laughter that didn't seem natural at all. 'However, gotta go now! I'll better hurry or… uh… Camille will get pissed!', Logan said and left apartment 2J.

'Soooo…', Kendall started, but James quickly said: 'Yeah, I'm off too! I've got some… uh… Math homework to do!'

'Right… Math…', Kendall thought as James ran to his room and shut the door behind him. Kendall knew god damn and well that Math homework was the last thing James Diamond would do. He'd probably even rather brake his lucky comb than doing Math.

'Some serious shit is going on!', Kendall said to himself. He had no idea why his friends were telling him those unconvincing excuses. Kendall shook his head and deciding he would keep an eye on Logan and James for the next few days.

[A/N]

whoop whoop, another new Jagan story! :D How are you guys liking it so far? Don't know how many Chapters it will have yet, but I think it's gonna be the longest story I'v ever published on this site! :) #Excited! :D

Alright, see you soon! Really hope you like it! :)


	2. The Ugly Truth

**Chapter Two - The Ugly Truth**

'It feels weird, sitting here in school, beside of Logan…!', James thought, acting like he was listening to the teacher. He sighed, knowing it would be pointless even trying to concentrate on the Math lesson.

The teacher just asked: 'So, who of you can solve this problem?', when James saw Logan's hand rising up quickly. He had to keep himself from laughing sarcastically. It would be better if Logan would actually find some time to solve this problem right here, going on between them. But nope, stupid school won't let him.

James sighed deeply. He was so confused. He never thought that a kiss between him and his best friend could change everything, never thought that a simply day could change everything.

On the other side what did he expect? Did he honestly expect Logan to hold his hand from now on? Did he honestly expect Logan to kiss him regularly now? Did he honestly expect Logan to tell him that he loves him?

What the hell did he expect? And what reason did he expect it for? Yeah, what if he wants to hold Logan's hand, what if he wants to kiss Logan regularly now, yes, what if he wants Logan to tell him that he loves him. Might it be true, that he, James himself, seriously was in love with his mate, with his best friend he'd known for ages? Might it be true, that he seriously wants to be together with Logan? With the smart and shy, still so good-looking guy? With sweet Logie? James sighed. How much he would like to call him that. Logie. It sounded so nice, almost perfect for him. The nickname was sweet and funny – just like Logan, so it would match perfectly. Of course, some people already called him that, James even did too sometimes, but what he wanted was something different.

He wanted to be the only one to call him like that, and he didn't want to call him that out of fun. He wanted to call him that because he loved him.

James sighed one more time, realizing that he had deeper feelings for Logan Mitchell.

The ringing of the school clock made him startle, but relieved his silence-bound thoughts, let them all fade away, let James forget.

But as soon as he looked to his right and caught Logan's sweet and shy smile, everything came back to haunt him. Everything. All these thoughts, all this confusion, all these feelings, these true feelings, all this love. But also all this pain, all these fears, that Logan wouldn't feel the same. What if Logan regretted this few minutes they spent together, they were sharing not only lust, but also some kind of love. What if Logan felt nothing for James, maybe even laughed about it behind his back. Normally James would never dare to imagine honest Logan to talk about him behind his back, to make fun of him behind his back. But right now James was confused and maybe Logan wasn't the person he always thought he was. Yes, what if the whole Palmwoods knew about their little experience, what if the whole Palmwoods laughed about James. What if Logan told them that his gay friend couldn't control his feelings and threw himself at Logan? What if Logan told all those people that James was only a gay, weird boy, nobody should come close to, because they would have to be afraid James would kiss them. Yes, what if?

It hurt so bad, all those thoughts. James never considered Logan to be like this, but what if all this was true? What if this was the ugly truth? What if Logan really was making fun of James behind his back? Well, he could deal with it, James guessed. It would be hard, but it wouldn't be as hard to deal with as with the fact that Logan wouldn't feel the same, that Logan Mitchell wouldn't love him, James Diamond, back.

Also, was James really gay? He had never thought about this before. Maybe he was. Maybe he was bi though… Maybe he only had a thing for Logan… He'd have to figure things out, soon!

James just sat there, watching people packing their things, because school was finally over. He sat there alone, deep in thoughts and afraid of how this thing between him and Logan would develop.

James still didn't attempt to move, when he suddenly felt a hand on his shoulder. He didn't say anything.

'Talk to him!', Kendall whispered. James jumped off his seat, turning around. Kendall looked a bit scared, because obviously he didn't expect James to move so fast.

He looked into James' eyes, worried, then came a move closer and embraced the tall boy with the long, beautiful hair. James was close to cry when he hugged Kendall back. Still he swallowed his tears, let his friend go and said: 'What do you mean?' Kendall's expression got a bit angry and he couldn't hide in his voice, that he was pissed: 'Dude, I'm not stupid!', Kendall said very loud, almost screamed it. Luckily there was no one left except for James and the screaming Kendall. 'You can lie to someone else, but not to your best friend! Look, I have no idea what happened between you and Logan yesterday, but I see the way you look at him, the way you act around him! And possibly even more important: I see the way Logan looks at you! And I'm telling ya: I'm not gonna spend my entire life, watching two of my best friends, trying to hide something that shouldn't be hidden! I know you might be confused, but I guess Logan is as well! And things won't change if the two of you go on like this and refuse to talk to each other!'

He stopped screaming at James and blushed immediately when he realized how shocked his buddy looked.

'Sorry…!', Kendall whispered.

James sighed and whispered slowly: 'You know… I… Whatever… Just forget about it!' James turned around, angry at himself, angry at Kendall, knowing his bud was right again, and busted out of the classroom, running away from Kendall. Not only did he run away from his friend, but also from all these feelings. He didn't want to talk to either of them, Kendall or Logan, though he knew he had to. But for now he couldn't. Why didn't they understand that he couldn't talk? That he didn't want to start crying in front of them? That he didn't want to bother them with his problems? They just didn't understand his feelings and he figured that not being able to help might even be worse for them, than James refusing to talk.

He kept on wandering around for a few hours, wandered around with no direction, trying to get things sorted out for him.

It was quite late and already dark when he headed back to the Palmwoods. Finally he was sure that he didn't only feel something for Logan, didn't only have a crush on him, didn't only think he was sexy, no, James was in love with him. He wanted to be with him 24/7. He wanted to be able to hug and more importantly kiss him without feeling bad. He decided to talk to Logan and tell him everything as soon as he would reach their apartment. At least there was a little chance that Logan felt the same.

'I mean, he kissed me too!', James said to himself, feeling a bit of hope coming up inside of him. He stood in front of apartment 2J and took a deep breath, then pushed the door open.

Kendall was standing there, facing Logan, who was screaming: 'I don't feel anything for him! And there's no way I ever will, okay? He's a good friend, nothing more! He never was, he isn't right now and he won't ever be! I don't have a crush on him, not even close to! And could you imagine us being together anyways? No, it simply doesn't match! We don't match…! Not at all! Okay? So please, could you just accept that!' Logan turned around and froze. He looked at James, who's tears were wetting his beautiful eyes, who's tears were running down his beautiful face, like little rivers.

Logan stuttered something like: 'James, I… I'm… I didn't mean…', but James wasn't even listening. He ran into his room, shutting the door behind him.

He fell on his bed, crying. At least now he knew what Logan felt. Nothing.

James didn't exactly expect Logan to feel the same, but he didn't expect that either.

James Diamond's heart was broken up inside, cause now he knew it. The ugly truth.

[A/N]

Alright, Chapter Two! :) Let me know what you guys think of it! :) Hope you're liking the story so far! :)


	3. It's Not The Wings That Make An Angel

**Chapter Three - It's Not The Wings That Make An Angel**

James was deep in thoughts and still crying heavily, when he heard someone opening the door and when he felt the bed going down a bit under the weight of another person. James felt a hand on his shoulder, stroking it softly. He expected it to be Kendall, so he didn't mind that he was still crying like mad.

'James, I…' James jumped up, facing Logan. 'Dude, just leave me alone, alright? I got it, you don't have to explain! Just get out of my way! I simply should have never even been thinking about us being together! I get it, so just get the hell out and leave me the fuck alone!'

Now Logan was close to crying. James stood in front of him, still pointing to the door, realizing he scared the life out of Logan, screaming at him like this. James sighed and fell down, sitting next to Logan on his bed.

Huge tears were running down Logan's cheek. Just like the tears that were still dropping down from James' face.

'Hell..!', James cursed, wishing he could turn back time. He hated seeing Logan cry, and he hated it even more that he, James himself, was the reason for it.

Logan sobbed one last time, then cleared his throat and whispered: 'You thought about us being together? Is that why you're crying?' James just looked to the floor, refusing to answer, so Logan continued:'However, James, I'm not gonna leave! I have to explain! Please, just give me five minutes!' James sighed and wanted to insist something, but he couldn't disappoint Logan. All he wanted was that Logan stopped crying again, that Logan would be happy again. And if this was, what the shorter boy desired to do, he would let him do it. He would do anything for Logie. So James slowly nodded his agreement.

Logan sighed and continued: 'I know I said a lot of things that highly possible have hurt your feelings, but I lied to Kendall! Only once tho… The main part was true… But still, all summed up I wasn't saying that I don't love you or anything!'

James gasped. 'What the hell! You said that I'm a good friend, nothing more!' James tried really hard not to scream again, but his voice was quite loud.

'Yeah…', Logan said, 'cause you aren't… I didn't say that I like that…' 'But…', James continued, 'You said that you don't have a crush on me, not even close!' Logan blushed and whispered: 'I don't… I don't just have a crush on you… I… I love you! I love you more than anything!' Now James blushed. 'But… But…', he stuttered, 'you said _us _wouldn't work! That we don't match!'

Logan looked up from the ground, right into James' eyes. 'We don't…', whispered the dark-brown-haired boy and blushed again. 'You are so beautiful and me? What am I? Not beautiful at all…! You are so perfect and me? All I'm good at is thinking… Maybe I'm clever, but that's it. So I may have good grades at school, I may understand Math, but that's it! You are way out of my league, way too good for me! I have nothing to offer you, I just don't… I just don't deserve you!'

Logan's voice cracked and a little tear was running down his cheek, as he looked back to the floor, trying to cover it.

James took Logan's hand, which made him look back into his eyes. 'Is that your way of thinking? Is that really true?', James whispered unsure, still hurt because Logan thought that he wasn't enough for James, that he didn't deserve James. How could someone so sweet, so nice, so _perfect_ as Logan think that?

Logan nodded and said in a low voice: 'Every single word…! I only lied once, as I already said, which was when I told Kendall that I don't feel anything for you. Because I actually feel a lot for you… I love you…!'

James put both of his hands on Logan's face, pulling him closer, till their lips finally touched. It was a long kiss, full of emotions.

When they broke apart James whispered into Logan's ear: 'Oh and about what you said… You might not think you are perfect, but you are perfect to me, and that's all that matters!'

Logan smiled, whispering back: 'And you are like an angel to me! Just too good to be real, just like you're sent from heaven.'

James replied: 'No, I'm not an angel! I don't have any wings!' He smiled, but Logan obviously took this serious, because he said, all matter-of-factly-Logan-like: 'James, it's not the wings that make an angel, you know? It's so much more!' A slight grin brightened James' and especially Logan's face. They were about to kiss again, when they heard a knock on the door.

Kendall opened it and entered. James and Logan were still sitting on the bed, facing each other, holding hands. Kendall smiled. 'Sooooo… I guess everything's alright between you two?' James jumped up, ran to Kendall and hugged his friend. 'I'm so sorry, for acting like a giant turd!', he said, while holding Kendall tight. 'Khm, khm!', Logan cleared his throat. James let Kendall go and smiled, Kendall laughed. 'Sorry Logie! He's all yours!' The three friends laughed. Kendall left.

As soon as the door shut again Logan and James embraced each other, pressing their lips together to never let each other go again. Everything was alright.

[A/N]

Whoop, another chapter! :) I actually don't like this very much, but it had to be there... The whole story wouldn't work if James and Logan didn't become boyfriends :P

So, I know this chapter ended with 'Everything was alright', but believe me it won't stay like this for too long :P

I hope you're liking it so far nevertheless and I just can't wait to update! :) Next part coming tomorrow! :D

btw: Thanks to all of you who are reviewing my stories, it means a lot!

Well then, this AN is already waaay too long, so I see you guys tomorrow! :) Peace and I'm out! :)


	4. You Have To Tell Your Friend

**Chapter Four - You Have To Tell Your Friend**

When James woke up the next morning, his eyes and throat hurt. It was from all the crying, he realized. When he turned around in his bed, yawning, he saw Logan. Sweet Logan lying there, sleeping like an angel. So it hadn't only been a dream. Yesterday evening, yesterday night really did happen.

James really did fall asleep with Logan's head on his chest, holding his hand.

He leaned forward and softly kissed Logan's cheek before going into the bathroom and taking a shower.

James thought about everything that had happened the past couple of days, beginning with buying those sneakers online. Was that the thing that started it all, those feelings for Logan? Was it the two of them holding hands, jumping up and down that made him fall in love? Or maybe when they fought about them and James got so close to Logan, closer than ever before. Or maybe it was when they were rolling around on the floor, when James felt Logan lying under him and realized how good it felt. When he wished it could always be that way. But back then he shook it off, thinking he was being stupid. He thought he was weird because he felt his heart jump when Logan touched his arm, his hands, any part of his body.

Or maybe it was the moment when he tried to make sure Logan was alright, just two days ago. When he put his hand on Logan's cheek, when he looked right through his eyes, when he let himself go completely. Or maybe it was when James couldn't resist, when he finally had pressed their lips together, feeling like he would explode from all those emotions that came up inside of him.

But also James thought about how happy he was that Kendall understood them, that he still liked them.

But suddenly James realized that they haven't even told their friend about them yet.

'Oh shit!', he said and suddenly he slipped, while wrapping himself into a towel, hitting his head on the bathroom floor. He pushed the door open, realizing he was bleeding a bit. 'Good morning!', Logan said and smiled, approaching him. 'Oh my god, you're bleeding!' 'It's alright, really!', James mumbled, still holding his head. 'Just realized we didn't even tell Carlos about us!' Logan nodded, still looking concerned. 'Come over here!', he said, leading James to a chair, pushing him down on it.

Logan left him and returned about two minutes later with a band-aid and a tissue in his hands. He took James' hand and made it move away from the wound, then pressed the tissue on it, wiped the blood away and finally put the band-aid on the scratch.

James pulled Logan on his lap. 'Thank you doctor!', he whispered, making Logan chuckle. James placed a little kiss on Logan's forehead. 'Did ya have nice dreams?', he asked, taking his hands. Logan nodded, whispered: 'Dreamed bout mah sweet boyfriend!', smiled and pulled James into a soft kiss.

'Aaaaaah!', Kendall screamed, who had just pushed the door open. 'Didn't mean to interrupt you two, but breakfast's ready!'

Then he turned around and stormed out of the room. 'What the heck?', James asked, suddenly realizing what Kendall meant. He was sitting there, only with a white towel wrapped around him, with wet hair and everything, Logan on his lap, kissing him passionately. Both of them laughed and hurried to get ready.

When they sat down at the breakfast table, Carlos was busy eating his favorite cornflakes. If he could chose anything to eat for breakfast, he'd probably be eating Corndogs right now. But Mamma Knight wouldn't allow him to do that, so he just sticked with cornflakes. Maybe because at least both of them started with 'corn'… Kendall was sitting beside of him, reading a magazine about hockey, called 'Hockey Man'.

'What happened to your face?', Carlos asked, his mouth full of food, when he spotted the band-aid on James' forehead.

'Looks like you two had a fun and wild night!', Kendall laughed, causing James to blush and Logan to choke his coffee. 'I… I slipped in the shower!', James said, a bit distracted by Logan's coughing, which made it all sound a bit sarcastic.

Everybody was minding their own breakfast again, when suddenly Carlos broke the silence; 'What do you mean?' Everyone looked at the lovely boy with the raven hair. 'What do you mean, Kendall?', Carlos asked again as nobody seemed to answer. 'No... Nothing! I was just joking!', Kendall replied, giving Logan and James an angry and strict look, realizing they haven't said a word about them to Carlos, which made both of them feel very uncomfortable.

Luckily Mrs. Knight came into the room, breaking that awkward silence. 'Boys! What are you still doing here? Time to go to school!' Kendall looked at the clock hanging on the wall and spit coffee all over the table.

They hurried, so they wouldn't be late. Carlos had already stepped into the classroom, when Kendall made Logan and James stop.

'You should tell him some when soon!', he whispered. James said: 'Yeah, just waiting for the right moment!' and Logan nodded his agreement. 'Alright then!', Kendall replied and the three boys joined their classmates.

The school day passed by rather slowly and Logan and James decided to talk to Carlos during the lunch break.

The school clock rang and Carlos stormed out of the classroom, hurrying to get a Corndog. Kendall stopped Logan and said: 'So… Guess you guys haven't already talked to him?' Logan looked to the floor and shook his head. 'Logan, I don't mean to push you, but you have to tell your friend!', Kendall said in a low voice.

'I know, and it's not that we don't want to! But there's simply never that right moment! There's always someone around us, and you have to understand that nobody except us four should know about James and me… Not yet!' Kendall looked into Logan's eyes. 'Yeah, sure I understand… But still, promise me you'll tell Carlos as soon as possible!' 'Yeah!', Logan nodded, 'Before the week's over! I promise!' They shook hands to determine their promise and Kendall left the classroom. That was about the time when James entered again, back from the bathroom and shut the door behind him.

Logan looked around, realizing only he and James were left in the classroom. James approached his boyfriend slowly. When he was just a few more inches away he took his hand. 'I missed feeling of the touch of your hands on mine!', James whispered, smelling the good perfume of Logan. 'Me too!', Logan whispered back. James was about to kiss him, when the boy with the hazel eyes pulled away. 'No, it's too dangerous! What if someone walks in? What if they catch us?' James sighed, hesitated, but then replied: 'Well, it would be too bad, but still… I guess it would be alright… Listen, I don't care if someone sees us, but I know for a fact that I can't stand a second longer without the touch of your lips on mine. I need to feel you, I need to love you! You know, it's killing me! The fact that I can't hold your hand, the fact that I can't kiss you whenever I want… I love you from the bottom of my heart and I'm not ashamed to show it. I'm not ashamed of my love, I'm not ashamed of you, I'm not ashamed of _us_. So please, shut the freak up and kiss me or I might die!'

A little smiled crossed Logan's face before he put his hands on James waist and on the back of his head, whispered: 'You are way too cute to resist!', and then finally pulled him close and pressed their lips together. It was a rough and quite short kiss, but it was full of lust and full of desire. Logan didn't even notice how much he missed James over the day, how much he wanted to feel him again. He pushed James onto the next table, making him sit, before he kissed him again. Even more passionate this time. James moaned when he felt Logan's wet tongue sneaking into his mouth, which turned both of them on really badly. Logan couldn't resist any longer. He pulled up James shirt, his hands running James' naked skin up and down. James slung his legs around Logan's waist, pressing their erections together, while starting to kiss Logan's neck.

Boom. Something hit the floor. Both of them startled and looked shock at the even more shocked Carlos, who was standing in the door. His mouth opened, his can of soda and his corndog on the floor, disbelieve written across his face, crossed by slight disgust.

'WHAT THE FUCK?', Carlos screamed and shook his head, his face red out of anger. James' and Logan's faces were red as well. They were blushing. Logan couldn't find his voice, James stuttered something like: 'I… We… Carlos… I…' Carlos turned around, and ran out of the class room, leaving behind the confused, embarrassed and kinda sad couple.

[A/N]

dun dun dun... :D Another Chapter done! :) Btw: I dedicate this one to BTR's Covergirl cuz she reviewed all of my chapters so far and she's so sweet and I love her! :3 And she's the one that talked me into updating right now, so..: :P So if you're reading this right now, which I hope you are: Thanks, your reviews were so sweet! :) I'm glad you're liking the story so far! :) Love you! 3

So however, what do you think will happen next! I can't wait to post it! :D However, I really hope you guys are liking the story so far! :) I think it's actually getting better with each chapter, also those in the future that you don't know yet! :P

So, I see you guys soon aaaand... I love you! :)


	5. You Ruined It Part 1

**Chapter Five - You Ruined It Part 1**

It was a quiet dinner. Mamma Knight and Katie weren't home, Carlos had not only refused to speak a word to James and Logan, but also apparently ignored them completely. James was full in thoughts and sad because one of his best friends didn't except him the way he was. Logan felt similar and was also still embarrassed that Carlos had seen them like this, all making out and stuff. And you could tell from the way Kendall ate his meal, from the way he pushed the fork into a piece of tomato, that he was very angry.

Carlos was the first to get up and storm off into his room. 'Look', Logan finally sighed, 'we didn't want him to find out that way! But honestly I expected him to be a bit more sensible and not to obviously hate us just because we're gay! We're still the same people!' He stared at Kendall who tried to pull himself together so he wouldn't scream. James instead stared at his half eaten dinner. _Gay_. That word made him shiver. So he was gay? Wow. He never thought he would ever be gay. The ladies loved him. And he loved the ladies. It was a natural relationship. Like his amazing hair and Cuda hair gel! Or like his face and his mirror. His hair and his lucky comb. And now… Did one of those relationships end the day he kissed Logan? And did he want it to end? Did he want to give up everything for Logan?

Kendall finally said, a bit louder as usual, but he wasn't screaming; 'I have no idea how he found out and frankly I don't want to. All I know is that he ignores the three of us since today's lunch break in school and since I didn't do anything, I figured it had something to do with you two. Go and clear things up, I won't let you two ruin our friendship, just for your stupid relationship!'

A tear was dropping down Logan's cheek as he stood up and ran into his room.

Kendall sighed and received an angry look from James. 'I didn't mean to…!', he said apologizing. James was angry now as he stood up as well. 'Kendall, you know that you just hurt Logan's feelings, right? He thinks it is wrong what he's doing anyways, then Carlos, who is his best friend since kindergarten, ignores him and apparently hates him for something he's not sure about anyways and now you make him feel guilty! Besides, if you don't support your best friends being gay, being gay _together_, then it's sad, but fine, because I love Logan with all my heart and there ain't no way I'll give up on him because two stupid people who claimed to be our friends don't except us the way we are!'

James turned around and ran after Logan. Finally he was sure. Yes he was gay and yes he was madly in love with his best friend, with Logan Mitchell. And yes, he would give up everything for him.

When James entered Logan's room after knocking carefully, the sight of a crying, but still convinced Logan offered him. Logan looked at him and sighed. 'James', he said in a surprising strong voice, 'I'm breaking up with you!' Things around James blurred when the wall of his world slowly started to crumble.

[A/N]

Uh oh, cliffhanger! :P What do you think? Will Carlos get back to normal again? Will Kendall apologize? And what's gonna happen between Logan and James? Is their relationship really over, or will James convince Logan to give them a chance? Stay tuned to find out! :)

P.s: I know this Chapter was super short… I'm sorry :P

P.P.s: Know it took me like FOREVER to update this and I am reeeeeeeally sorry! But my computer broke and I had to get it fixed... -.- But I will update this way more often now! :)

P.P.P.S: Finally the right one! Something is REALLY WRONG with my fanfiction account and it for some reason uploaded the wrong chapter at first! I mean I don't get it, cuz I checked and it was the right one and suddenly BOOM the wrong one... Anyways, thanks to those who told me! :)


	6. You Ruined It Part 2

**Chapter Five - You Ruined It Part 2**

James sighed. He was lying in his bed, staring at the ceiling, his arms crossed behind his head, his eyes burning. It was 5am and he hadn't slept yet. Instead he had cried all these nine hours since Logan told him he was breaking up. Now there weren't any tears left, so silence filled the room, nothing but silence. James tried to concentrate on his heartbeat, but he couldn't hear it. It was as if his heart had stopped.

James thought back to yesterday night, after he had entered Logan's room. When he heard Logan speak those words 'James, I'm breaking up with you!', everything had seemed so surreal. It felt like he was watching the scene from the outside, like a movie, not like he, himself, was being part of it. There was this feeling that surrounded James that second, like a bubble, like a shadow, and it hadn't left since then. It was a terrible feeling. Sad. Empty. Nothing mattered anymore, not anymore, not since yesterday night.

James knew he should have said something, should have fought for their love, should have begged for a second chance, but he couldn't. He just wasn't able to say a thing. He was too shocked. It all came too unexpected.

James sighed again. He hated himself for just leaving without a single word. Just taking a last look at Logan, Logan crying. He just turned around and left, without a single word, without a single tear. Only when he entered his room and broke down on his bed, everything hit him.

Now he was still lying here in his bed, thinking about everything. Yesterday, today.

Yes, today he would have to face them all. Carlos who didn't accept him. Kendall who was currently being the biggest dick. And Logan… Logan who he loved, who he loved so much he could hardly stand it, who he just wanted to hold in his arms, to never let go again. But now he would never be able to do so.

James got up, slowly, heading to the kitchen to get a glass of water, since his throat was burning like hell.

He was being very careful not to make any noises, since everybody else was still asleep. He turned on the kitchen light, took out a glass, filled it with water.

When he turned around he startled, the glass almost slipping from his hold.

'What are you doing here?', James whispered surprised, and still scared.

'Just thinking', Kendall replied from the couch, not looking up.

James was about to return to his bedroom, when Kendall whispered: 'Wait!'

James turned around, an eyebrow raised, an angry 'What?', escaping his lips. Kendall hesitated. 'Can we talk? Please?', he finally whispered. James didn't want to talk. Not at all. Not right now, and not to Kendall. Still he sat down, expectantly looking at his 'friend'.

'Look, I…', Kendall started, trailing off. He never found it easy to apologize. He sighed. 'I'm sorry. I'm sorry for what I said. About the relationship of you and Logan. I didn't mean it. I hope you can forgive me.'

James sighed, anger rising inside of him. 'I don't know', he said, looking at Kendall who had obviously expected a complete different answer.

'I don't know if I can forgive you… We'll see… Oh and for the part of mine and Logan's relationship: You don't have to worry about that anymore.'

Kendall furrowed his eyebrows. 'What's that supposed to mean?'

James sighed again, not able to hide the anger in his voice as he spoke: 'You don't have to worry about our relationship anymore, because there _is_ no relationship anymore. Yes, Logan broke up with me. Yesterday, after your little speech.'

James stood up, about to leave. 'I'm sorry, James. I'm so sorry!', Kendall whispered, and there was regret in his voice.

'No need to be. You ruined it. You ruined it all, Kendall! And no, I don't forgive you!'

'But… Friends forgive each other! _Please_, James!', Kendall begged.

'You're right…', James whispered, his hands turning into fists. 'You're so right, Kendall. Friends forgive each other… But you know what? I'm not your friend anymore, Kendall, not anymore… You ruined it, you just ruined it all, and I won't ever forget that, and I won't ever forgive you.'

And with that James stormed off to his room, leaving Kendall behind. Leaving the sad and crushed Kendall alone, alone with all his feelings, alone with all his regret.

[A/N]

Dam dam dam! End of the Chapter! Hope you're enjoying it so far! Things are about to get way more dramatic soon! :D Gonna update this tomorrow, so excited! :D  
>Alright, see you then! :)<p> 


	7. So Much Pleasure

**Chapter Six - So Much Pleasure**

James sighed as his alarm went off. 6:30 am. He still hadn't slept a single second this night, but now he had to get up. He didn't want to… He just wanted to stay in bed all day, not having to talk to anyone, to look at anyone, just him alone with all his feelings and thoughts and fears and wishes. He thought about just telling Mamma Knight that he was sick, but after everything that happened, everything that happened with Logan and with Kendall he felt like they would figure that it was just a lame excuse.

James got up from his bed, heading to the bathroom. He just didn't want to face them all at the breakfast table.

James just finished brushing his teeth when suddenly his razor fell to his feet. He bend down to pick it up, when he froze. He was staring at the light that reflected on the razor blades. So sharp.  
>He pulled one of the blades out, with force. 'Shit!', he cursed as the blade cut his finger and made drops of blood hit the sink.<p>

Red on white. It looked nice.

It hurt. But it felt good. So good somehow.

James hesitated as he held the sharp blade between his shaking fingers, just an inch above the inside of his arm. He didn't even dare to breathe. Silence embraced him, silence full of fear and expectation.

Just the second the blade was about to touch his skin, it knocked on the door.

'Hurry up!' _Katie_.

James shook his head, unbelieving of what he almost did. He tossed the razor blade into the bag of his Cuda products, quickly put on his black pants and a blue shirt, double-checked the mirror and then left the bathroom, only seeing Katie storm in and lock the door out of the corner of his eyes.

As he entered the living room, no one spoke.

James' eyes ran across the room.

Mamma Knight in the kitchen, getting herself a cup of coffee.

Kendall's face, hidden behind the 'Hockey Man' magazine.

Carlos, eating his cornflakes, not looking up from his bowl once.

Logan. Where was Logan. Where was the one person James' eyes kept looking for?

James sighed as he checked the sight of the room for the fourth time, finally accepting the fact that Logan wasn't there.

James hit straight for the door, leaving for school early. He just didn't feel like eating right now and he certainly didn't feel like sitting at a table with the guys he thought were his friends, either.

The day passed by rather quickly. James couldn't focus on anything, not a single lesson. All his mind cared about, all he, himself, cared about was Logan. Logan Mitchell. Logan Mitchell who didn't show up at school. Something was seriously wrong.

James couldn't remember a single day with Logan rather staying home than going to school. Even when he was sick, he'd only allow himself to rest on the weekends, but he'll go to school even if he looked like he had died. Even if Mamma Knight locked him in his room, explaining he'd need to get healthy again, he'd find a way to sneak out and at least attend half of the lessons.

But not today. Today Logan Mitchell was missing in school.

The second James entered apartment 2J he ran into Logan's room. He had to see Logan, had to know how on earth he could miss one day at school. It was when he pushed Logan's door open that he remembered how the shorter boy didn't want to see him.

'I… I'm sorry, I forgot…', James started to mumble when he faced nothing. An empty room. No Logan. Instead there was a white sheet of paper, lying on Logan's made bed.

James picked it up. It was a letter.

Slowly, afraid of what he'd read, James stared at the small letters, the small cursive words, the small handwriting of Logan.

_Dear James._

_Let me start off by telling you how terribly sorry I am. Let me also say that you don't need to worry – I'll be fine! And you'll be fine too!_

_I just need some time alone, some time to figure things out, some time to figure out who I am, some time to figure out what you mean to me._

_I know that I disappointed you and I know that I hurt you and I know that I made you sad. And I'm sorry. I am so sorry!_

_But until I figure everything out, I need you to not worry about me and to simply forget me. I know, it might seem impossible for you right now, but I also know that you can do it! I know that you're strong enough!_

_I'll be back sooner or later, hopefully sooner, but it depends on when I finally find answers, really._

_Okay, I just better end this now._

_Do yourself something good and forget me! Please, just try!_

_Eventually we might find back to each other, but for now we're just not right…_

_~Logan_

James couldn't believe it. He read the letter over and over again. Logan. He was gone. Just gone! But where, but when, but how, but why?

James' knees hit the floor, tears making their way down his reddened cheeks, one hand pressing the letter to his chest.

Like in trance James got up again and headed to the bathroom. Ignoring Mamma Knight's confused questions, ignoring the irritated look that Kendall shot him, ignoring Carlos who was ignoring him.

He didn't feel anything anymore. Not anymore… He was numb. Nothing mattered. Just not right now, just not anymore.

James shut the bathroom door, locking it behind him. Alone, he just needed to be alone right now.

A last tear was dropping down his face as he tossed the letter to the side, and grabbed the bag with his cosmetics. Simply nothing mattered anymore.

Slowly he grabbed the sharp razor blade from this morning, bringing it down to the sensitive skin of his inner arm. He gently placed it down on it.

Pain. His heart hurt. It hurt so much. He just wanted it to stop.

The pain was too much, he pushed. James gasped as the blade cut his skin and blood started making its way down his arm, dropping to the floor.

Somehow it felt good. No. It hurt to be honest. It hurt a lot. But it made him forget the pain inside, made him forget all his worries, all his fears, almost made him forget Logan, but only almost.

The pain ways overwhelming, but still, somehow it felt so good at the same time. James looked down on the straight cut, flooded with blood. He looked down and admired it.

He wanted more, one wasn't enough. He thought about Logan. James pressed the blade into his skin and slid, just about half an inch away from the first cut.

Now there were two. One, two, three. It felt so good. One, two, three, four. Logan. One, two, three, four, five. So damn good… One, two, three, four, five, six.

James' back slid down the door and he hit the floor, the blade leaving the tight hold of his fingers, hitting the floor just right beside of him.

Blood, there was so much blood. Pain, there was so much pain. Pleasure, there was so much pleasure.

[A/N]

Uh oh… What does that mean? Where's Logan? Will James cut himself regularly now or will he regret this? What will Carlos and Kendall say when they find out that Logan left? What will happen to Big Time Rush? Is there even a Big Time Rush without Logan?

Alright, so I know the last few Chapters were mainly about James and I think the next two will probably be as well. He just needs to figure things out as much as Logan does. Btw, speaking of Logan: He might won't appear within the next few chapters, I don't know yet!

Oh but in the next few Chapters there will be a lot more about this fight between Kendall and James and Carlos will finally get to speak up as well somewhen soon!

Wow, I just told you a lot, but I want you to know what's going on! I might change my plans, but that is how I think that I will continue it at the time!

Alright, my longest A/N ever! :P

I just hope you're enjoying this so far! Oh and poor James :( I don't want him to feel so much pain! :(

However, please review to let me know what you think! :)

oh and p.s: Please don't hate me for making James hurt himself... It hurts me enough already, believe me :(


	8. Regret Comes Tomorrow

**Chapter 7 - Regret Comes Tomorrow**

James pulled down the long sleeve of his left arm to cover up all the cuts. They hurt. James was scared that the others would see them, but on the other hand, Carlos nor Kendall cared about him and Logan was gone. Just gone.

James sighed and looked into the mirror, realizing he looked like shit. Yes, James Diamond looked like shit. Wow, that was a first. There were dark shadows under his eyes, his hair was a mess and his outfit didn't match. But James didn't care.

He pushed the door open and sat down at the breakfast table. It was Saturday morning, so at least he wouldn't have to go to school like this. He avoided the worried looks that Mamma Knight shot him.

James had shown her the letter yesterday evening, after waking up in the bathroom. He cleaned up the blood and headed for his bedroom, but she saw him and aked what was going on. James wanted to speak but he couldn't. So he just showed her the letter and left her standing there, locking his bedroom door. He didn't even care what she would think about him now. Because now she knew as well. And Katie knew. Now they all knew that he was gay. Wow, great. This wasn't exactly how he had planned to explain.

James sighed and stared at his piece of toast. He could _feel_ Kendall staring at him. But he didn't look up, instead grabbed the toast, just to put it down on the plate again, and then stood up. He got the bag from his room and then just left the apartment. He didn't know where he was going, he just knew that he had to leave.

The day passed by and James did nothing. He just sat in Palmwoods Park, thinking about everything, until it was starting to get dark.

He returned to 2J, happy as he found it empty. Or at least he thought it would be. As he closed his bedroom door behind him he startled.

'Dude! You scared me!', James screamed, facing Kendall who got up from the bed.

Kendall just stood there and didn't say anything. Suddenly he whispered: 'Where is he?'

James was confused. 'Where is who?'

Silence, then: 'Logan…'

Wow. James hadn't expected that. Suddenly he felt anger rise up inside of him. 'I don't know, haven't you read the fuckin letter?'

Kendall looked to the floor, sad. 'I just…', he whispered and trailed off. Kendall cleared his throat, then finally continued: 'I just thought you might know where he went…'

James just shook his head and pointed to the door. 'No, of course I don't! If I only had the slightest idea where he could be, I wouldn't be here anymore! You should have known that! Besides, why do you even care! You didn't when you insulted him! So get out of my room, I'd like to be alone now!'

James was close to crying. He thought about Logan all the time, every second since he had left, but talking about him only made everything worse. He knew that if he'd even have to talk a second longer, he'd break down and cry his eyes out. In front of Kendall.

The blonde guy looked up from the floor. Angry. 'I don't blame myself, I blame you!', Kendall said, his voice strong again.

James couldn't help but think he misunderstood. 'Excuse me?'

'You heard right!', Kendall continued, 'I blame you! You were the one who couldn't even hold him for one day, you were the one who couldn't even make him stay for one single fucking day! He left because of you! You are the one he's running from! It's all your fault not mine!'

Kendall stormed out of the room and James could swear he saw a tear in his eyes.

As soon as he locked the door, tears started streaming down his face. 'It's not true, it's not true!', James whispered thinking about Kendall's words. 'It's not my fault that he left!'

Hard sobs were shaking the boy's body now. Slowly he got up and stumbled towards the bathroom. He needed to forget. He needed to forget about it all!

Again he took out the blade, again he placed it to his skin, again he slid. One time, two times, three times. He stopped counting. Blood. So much blood.

He sighed as he looked down on the fresh cuts. He took a tissue and pressed it on his arm, watching the white material getting soaked with red.

James knew it was so wrong. He shouldn't harm himself like this. But if it was wrong, why did it feel so damn good? The more he cut, the more he forgot Logan. So right now, he didn't regret it.

As he sat down on his bed and accidentally brushed his thumb over one of the new cuts, he winced in pain. He knew that even though he didn't regret now, tomorrow he would.

He went to bed early this night, staring at the dark ceiling until he finally drifted into an uneasy sleep.

[A/N]

Alright, I know that there was barely anything going on in this chapter… More going on next chapter, I promise! :)

However, I hope you're enjoying this so far!

See you soon!


	9. A Bad Day

**Chapter Eight - A Bad Day**

James refused to get out of his room for the whole Sunday. Besides two bathroom emergencies and an urgent need for food he didn't leave his bed at all. Even when Mrs. Knight knocked on the door, explaining that she was worried, he didn't get up, didn't even respond to be honest.

Monday morning however, he had to get up. School. James thought the day was pretty bad already when he found out that the chocolate stain on his lucky white V-neck was still there, after it being washed for the third time.

Also when he spilled milk over his pants at the breakfast table and had to get changed, he thought the day was pretty much shit.

But James didn't even anticipate how bad the day would turn out to be.

When he entered the classroom he knew that something was wrong. The moment he went through the door, it got quiet, really quiet. People were just staring at him. He sat down on his desk and heard a couple of guys laugh and two girls whisper. He didn't quite understand what they were saying, but he caught a couple of words.

_Stupid. Always thought he was weird. Gay._

It hurt. It hurt James so badly. Two guys were approaching him as the clock rang and the teacher entered. For now he wouldn't have to face them yet.

James didn't think school could pass this quick. He also never thought that once he would be afraid of Math lesson to end.

But after six quick hours of lessons, the clock rang and people started packing their things. So did James, when suddenly he was pushed to the side. He fell to the ground, looking up. There were only a couple of people left in the class room. A group of five guys was laughing at him.

James looked up, annoyed and a bit scared and slowly got up, only to be pushed down to the floor again. 'DUDE, WHAT THE!', James screamed angry now, only to be met with more laughter. Suddenly he noticed the 'leader' of the group of guys. Kendall. His jar dropped as he tried to find words. Kendall approached him and took his hand, helping him to stand up. James was so thankful right now, he was willing to forgive Kendall everything. He just wanted to whisper 'thank you', when SMACK. One of the other guys' hands met James right cheek and left a throbbing, red print. James fell back down to the floor. They laughed. All of them. 'But…', James stuttered, looking into Kendall's eyes. 'SHUT UP, you don't get to speak, _queer_!'

Now James was honestly hurt. The words would have hurt anyways, but the fact that it was this one specific guy's mouth they came from… The fact that they came from _Kendall's_ mouth…

James felt his face getting hot and his eyes started to burn. 'Don't cry! Don't give them the satisfaction and cry!', James tried to calm himself down in thoughts. Suddenly there was another person. He hadn't even noticed that there was someone else in the room.

The person walked towards the door, but stopped beside of James.

James looked into the person's eyes. The boy's eyes. Carlos' eyes. There was something begging in James' look, something that silently begged Carlos to help him. But Carlos just stood there and looked down, right into James' eyes. James thought he saw Carlos' hand move slightly and thought he'd help him up. But obviously he just imagined it, because Carlos just continued staring down to him for a couple more seconds, before saying: 'You fucking fag!', disgust spreading across his face and leaving James in the class room, alone with his four class mates and Kendall, alone with five guys that had beaten him.

James was scared. So scared. The tallest guy of the group approached him and was just about to kick him in the side, when another one of them spoke up. 'Come on, he had enough for today!' Charlie. His name was Charlie. He was a thin guy with blonde hair and blue eyes. They had been in the same class since the first day they went to their new school here in LA.

At least someone was sticking to him. When - oh. He just realized. It was Charlie who had slapped him before. 'Honestly, let's leave him for now!', Charlie continued as the tall guy was just about to kick James anyway. There was regret in Charlie's voice. Not much, but there was. The tall guy put his foot back down to the ground and was just about to leave the room when he came back and spit on him. He spit on James. The other guys laughed again and one by one passed him by, saying things like 'Faggot' or 'butt fucker'.

They all left the room, one by one. The tall guy, Charlie, Kendall and the two other guys.

As they were gone James stood up from the ground, shaking. He packed his things and stormed off to the men's restroom, locking himself in. Finally hard sobs started shaking him as his back slid down along the door and as he wrapped his arms around his legs, rocking back and forth a bit. He cried so much right now. He just cried and cried, feeling terribly empty, and the whole world was blurring around him.

[A/N]

Omg, I feel so bad for doing this to James… :( However, I still hope you're liking this so far!

**IMPORTANT**: They are not going to Palmwoods School in my story. Because I don't feel like the story would work so well with all the Palmwoods people in the same school. I kinda wanna draw a line, school and home, and Palmwoods plus its people goes to the home side, so… Just so you know :)

btw: I feel terribly sorry I haven't updated this for such a long time, but I plan on updating it at least once weekly from now on! I hope you haven't lost interest in the story already!

Next chapter will be up by Monday I guess, and it will be pretty intense! Carlos will finally get a chance to tell James how he feels about all of this! :)

Can't wait! See you soon and thank you for all your support!


	10. What We're Like Now

**Chapter Nine - What We're Like Now**

James opened his eyes. It was dark. He checked the time. 3am. He stood up and went to get something to drink. When he came back and put the glass of water on his bedstand he accidentally knocked over a frame, holding a picture of him and the guys, all smiling, in their self-built tree house back in Minnesota.

How much James missed those times. The time when they were still friends. He sighed as he looked into the mirror and realized that his right cheek was still red and slightly showed a handprint, from yesterday at school.

Right, school. James didn't want to go back. He didn't want to get beaten up again. He didn't want to be called names again. James always thought he was quite popular, just to realize that Logan, Kendall and Carlos were his only true friends. Or well, had been his only true friends. Because now he was alone. All on his own. They somehow got through a quick meeting with Gustavo yesterday, who explained that they should take a couple of weeks off, since they can't rehearse without Logan anyways, plus with all the tension, that even Gustavo was feeling, they wouldn't be able to focus and give their best either.

James was glad. He couldn't stand being forced into a tiny recording booth or into a small dance rehearsal room with Kendall and Carlos. He avoided them as much as possible.

James sighed again as he realized how much he missed Logan. It had only been a few days since he left, but it was the longest they had ever been apart. The four boys had spent every single day together, since they met in preschool.

James sat down on his bed, his head falling into his hands. Logan. He was gone, just gone. Nobody knew where he was, nobody knew if he was alright, nobody knew if he was ever coming back. It was killing James, not knowing if he was ever going to see Logan again. With another sigh he reached for his phone and for what must have been the hundredth time in the past few days he dialed Logan's number. And just like every single time before it went straight to voice mail.

James slowly put his phone back, then went to the bathroom and started getting ready for school. A place that had become his personal hell.

James didn't take the school bus that day. Every single minute that he wouldn't have to be afraid of what his class mates could do to him, was worth it.

As he arrived at the school, he could tell people hadn't forgotten about what they had found out the last day. But it seemed like the whole school knew now. Everywhere he went it got quite. People were laughing, saying mean things as he passed by.

Suddenly James was pushed against a locker from a guy passing by, his books falling to the floor. Nobody cared to help him pick them up.

He was already close to crying again. How could this be happening? And why? He didn't deserve that. Nobody deserved to be manhandled like this.

As James was getting up again, he saw something. It made him frown. 'No. Just no, this can't be real!', he thought.

With quick steps he approached the pin board, a board for people to pin stuff on, like what they lost and if anyone had found it, or that they were selling their bike and if anyone was interested, stuff like that. But now the board was filled with a single huge picture. It was showing James. It was his picture from last school photo day, showing his name as well. James Diamond. Next to his picture there was an arrow drawn, with a couple of letters, huge black letters, forming the phrase "Likes to suck cock".

James took the last few steps, a tear making its way down his chin as he ripped the poster down and threw it in the bin.

He somehow knew that Kendall and his crew had done this, but he still hoped it wasn't true.

'It can't be Kendall. Kendall would have never done this', he thought, trying to calm himself down, forcing himself to stop crying.

He was heading for the mensroom when he suddenly spotted another one. A smaller one, but still. It was his picture, his name, the same phrase. It was sticked to a locker. He ripped it down. Only a couple of lockers further there was another one. He ripped that down too. And there was another one. Another one. Another one. James kept ripping them off, every single one hurting him, every single one forcing another tear back on his face.

Suddenly he saw a group of people laughing at another bigger version of it. Kendall and his people.

James was still convinced that Kendall would never do anything like that, but then he saw it. They were holding the posters. Kendall the small ones, Charlie the big ones, someone held tape and pins.

James was standing there, hardly being able to breathe. Suddenly Kendall spotted him and started approaching him, followed by his crew. They all had a big smile on their face.

'Hey faggot, how we doin today?', one of them asked. 'Already seen our beautiful posters?', another one said, smile widening. 'Was K-Dawgs idea!', another one added, tapping Kendall's shoulder. 'It was K-Dawgs idea!' The words were still ringing in James' head, not letting go.

Suddenly he felt a pain in his stomach, falling to the floor as the same boy who had just punched him started kicking him.

People were passing by, laughing, no one of them even considered helping James. James, the useless, stupid fag.

James tried to crawl away, but his back was lying against the locker and he was surrounded by the feet of Kendall and his crew.

James thought they would stop when lesson started, but they didn't. Suddenly the bell rang, but they didn't move. They just kept kicking, they just kept laughing. Everyone else was leaving the hallway, but they stayed.

James thought it wasn't going to end, James thought he was going to die here on the floor in school, when suddenly someone spoke.

'STOP! STOP IT!' It was Carlos. He pushed the two guys who were kicking James to the floor, saying: 'You should really go.' As all of the boys were leaving, mumbling, he grabbed Kendall by the shoulder. 'How could you?', Carlos said, shaking his head, wondering how this was what they were like now. 'You know there's a fucking line! And you have crossed it! At first outing him to our class, then giving him a hard time. Then outing him to the whole school, with those stupid fucking posters and now you let these guys kick him until he's dead, huh? Seriously! Kendall, this is _James_! You've known this guy your whole life, you've been friends with him your whole life! Just seriously, what happened to you!' Kendall was just staring at Carlos, then glanced back at James who was lying on the floor, shaking, holding his stomach, spitting blood, because someone had kicked him in the face.

Kendall took a last look at Carlos, then, without a single word, he turned around and left.

Carlos sank to his knees. 'Are you alright?', he said, voice lower than usual. James was still shaking and silently crying, but he stopped spitting blood. He tried to nod, but his whole body hurt.

'I'll call Mamma Knight and tell her she should pick you up. Drive you home, maybe even to a doctor.', Carlos said, taking out his phone.

'Listen, it's up to you if you tell her her son did this or not, just remember how much this would hurt her, and honestly I think we should keep her out of this as much as possible', Carlos continued as he dialed her number.

As he got off the phone, James was trying to stand up. 'She'll be here in fifteen minutes!', Carlos said, reaching out to grab James' hand, helping him up.

As soon as James was on his feet he wrapped his arms tightly around Carlos. Tears were streaming down his face again.

Carlos wasn't hugging back, but he gave James a moment, because he knew he needed it, a moment to just hold on to someone who at least used to be one of his best friends.

After a moment, Carlos lightly pushed James away. 'Don't think that changes anything!', Carlos clarified, being met with sad and confused eyes from James.

'I helped you because we were best friends, and because I won't just let them kill you. And what Kendall did was wrong and way past the line. But still, it changes nothing between the two of us. I'll still ignore you, I'll still be mad, we still won't be friends anymore.'

Sobs were shaking James now as he whispered, begged: 'Please Carlos, I… I…'

'Don't you get it James?', Carlos asked, voice raising, anger in it. 'Do you honestly not get it?' James just continued shaking his head, once again whispering: 'Please'

'I'm hurt James! I am so hurt!', Carlos shouted, pain in his voice.

'I'm so hurt my two best friends couldn't even tell me they were in love. I'm so hurt you two think I wouldn't accept you! I'm so hurt you would even for a second be afraid that I won't love you anymore! You are my best friends, James! Or at least you used to be. How could you think I wasn't worth knowing… How could you think I wouldn't support you… Why James, why did I have to find out by walking in on you?'

A tear was forming in Carlos' eye as he looked at James, then turned around and left.

James was standing there, alone, facing the empty hallway. Slowly he started making his way outside, where Mamma Knight would pick him up.

James just wanted to go home, but he knew he had to see a doctor. The bleeding had started again and his whole body hurt from all the kicks.

When he saw Mrs Knights' car pull in, her jumping out of it, running towards him, shock in her eyes, as she wrapped her arms around the shaking him, whispering: 'Oh my god, what happened sweetie! Are you okay?', he knew he wouldn't say a word about Kendall. He couldn't break her heart like that. She shouldn't know what her son had become all the sudden. She wasn't supposed to feel as much pain as James did when he realized that Kendall would have actually let him die.

[A/N]

Wow. Things are getting pretty intense! Honestly, I think this was my favorite chapter so far! I hope you like it and I hope you're still interested in this story! :)  
>Please leave me a review and tell me what you think :)<p>

btw: I think Logan will finally return somewhen soon or at least leave a message or something!

Next chapter should either be up by the end of this week or by the beginning of the next - depending on how much time I'll have the next few days!

Loads of love and I hope you're enjoying this so far!


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